What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 01:22
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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I don,t even have a pension.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
What is so great about Jiraiya?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My family never makes their pension either.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Can you tell me something about yourself?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
When she asked me how she looked .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I've never read the book. What did Dorian Grey do that was so immoral and sinful?
I have no regrets .
I was 9 years of age.
Ive learnt so much.
She found it foreign!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I said to her
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was scared of men, in general
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We all went to grammer schools
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But it wasn’t much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im still living with it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My life is so biszare .
I will be 64.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
All the time i was locked up.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I think the readers, may guess!
Especially a lifetime of it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is soul school!.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But, we were locked up after school.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why did i forgive my father ?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And i lived it daily.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He resisted the act ,that day.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was very sick at this time too.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It was going to be , some day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He knew the spot.
Would this be the day?
So whats the point in blame.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One cannot live in the past .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She married twice! .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I write beautiful poetry .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Comes on , in middle age.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She loved him until the end.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She was in good health!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We were not on the streets..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Who then, do I blame.?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
Put me off passion for life!!
What did i know ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So, i spoilt her more .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She wouldn,t have been !
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mum and dad in the seventies!